Babbling Paintings
by Tutankhamunfreak
Summary: Arthur is having a bad day. Merlin is off sick and a sorcerer has just shot him into the future where Gwaine has already started a betting pool. And gotten drunk. In a painting. Good Luck to the residents of Gryffindor... Please read and review! Thank you!


**I'm sorry. I just couldn't resist doing this.**

**Warning: lots of drunken antics curtesy of Gwaine**

**Disclaimer: I don't own neither Harry Potter or merlin. they belong to JK Rowling and BBC repsectively.**

* * *

It had taken hundreds of years to find it, but find it they did. Dumbledore watched in glee as the finishing touches were placed on the entrance to the Gryffindor common room. The painting was at least a thousand years old and the contents of it looked very happy to have a view that wasn't the inside of a dark room. In fact they were at this moment arguing over who was going to make up the passwords. But alas, he had to be away. Leaving the painting to squabble amongst themselves he turned away and headed towards his office. It was going to be a good day, he could tell.

* * *

Arthur was having a very bad day. So far Merlin had managed to get sick and still reported in to work (although he had rushed out of the room and threw up over his father who had been trying to enter the room. Merlin would probably pay for that later), the new manservant was rubbish and had spilt Arthur's breakfast all over him and just as he was contemplating sending for a new one, Gaius had walked in saying that Merlin would not be able to work for the next few days.

"Why not?" Arthur shouted at Gaius. It was the last straw. He would not survive having this man as his manservant for the next few hours let alone the next few days.

"Sire, he has contracted a virus that is going around the lower town. He will be ill for at least the next two days and he will need to rest after that, for the good of his health," Gaius explained calmly. Apparently he knew so much about Arthur then he should know that Arthur needed Merlin. He needed his friend to get him out of the boring conundrum his life became when Merlin was gone.

"Fine," Arthur said in a voice that clearly meant it wasn't fine. Gaius very wisely left then to attend to his sick ward. Arthur decided the only way to life his spirits would be to go on hunting trip.

"Prepare my horses for a trip. I wish to go hunting," Arthur snapped at the manservant who was busy scrubbing the floors (or at least trying to). The man nodded his head shakily and ran off to do as he was told. Arthur wondered why merlin could never do that and still get everything done (albeit not on time).

An hour later everything was ready. Arthur galloped his horse ahead of the clumsy manservant. He had no wish to listen to the man babble on about nothing in particular. When Merlin babbled at least it was interesting. All this man talked about was cleaning and harvest and cleaning and cooking and cleaning and nobles and cleaning… It never ended.

Eventually Arthur had to slow down and wait for the useless man to catch up. Arthur was happy to find that he was far ahead of the man and could think through many ways of making the rest of the trip torture for him. A sudden cackle of laughter behind him interrupted that planning though.

"What a pleasant surprise," the man said, sounding not happy at all. "The Prince of Camelot has left his servant at home." The man was greasy, dirty and carried a staff with runes on it. Arthur scowled.

"Who are you and what do you want?" Arthur asked, trying not to sound annoyed. He was reaching the end of his rope and very soon all the pent up anger was just going to explode out of him. He knew that if merlin saw that he would say that Arthur was just having a right royal tantrum that annoyed the hell out of everyone and did him no good. Arthur wondered how Merlin never managed to push him this far. Perhaps he could read the signs.

"I am Geleo. This is my land and you are here to kill me aren't you?" the man said. Arthur frowned.

"Why would I…" he trailed off as a realisation came over him. "You're a sorcerer!"

"Not as dense as you seem," the man chuckled. Then he began to chant. "Elfennau o'r ddaear, anfon y dyn i ffwrdd o fan hyn, yn ddwfn yn y dyfodol!" A piercing white light filled Arthur's vision. He couldn't see, couldn't breathe. The light from the sun seemed wrong… bouncing off something. He was suddenly choking on water…water? What? Arthur pushed up and appeared, coughing and spluttering on the surface of a lake. Above him stood a grand castle, its windows already lit against the darkening sky. A strange piercing whistle sounded in the distance.

Gasping, Arthur swan to the bank and hauled himself to the shore. For a moment he lay there, panting, on his back, cursing how badly his life seemed to have gone. Why did a sorcerer have to send him somewhere (probably hell) on his own, without Merlin and in the middle of the worst day of his life? What had he done to make his life go so wrong?

Eventually Arthur got bored of lying on his back and decided to try the castle. If he was on enemy territory he could just claim to be a passing traveller. Climbing his way up the mountainous path reminded Arthur of the times that he had gone to Cornwall to visit morgana when he had been younger. It all seemed like a daydream now.

The castle was tall and foreboding. A strange aura surrounded the place and as Arthur dragged himself up the last few stairs, realised that the doors were wide open. The sound of voices filled the place and candles were lit all over the place.

First Thing Arthur realised upon entering: the portraits moved. Second thing: He was being stalked by a suit of armour. And if that wasn't freaky enough a bunch of floating ghosts had just waltzed right past hi and none had even batted an eyelid at a dripping wet, blonde man standing in the middle of the entrance hallway. They just carried on into what was presumably the dining hall due to the large amount of people in robes sitting at long trestle tables.

Arthur decided that the best course of action would be to avoid the dining hall. He didn't want to meet the owners of the magical, disturbing castle where everything stalked you like a predator. The suit of armour followed him, clanking along as it went and not being particularly stealthy. If it was meant to then the sorcerer who designed this place needed to rethink his plans. Arthur turned up the stairs and then got the shock of his life as they moved. Arthur shot off them as soon as they finished then realised that another suit of armour was coming after him and ended up on another moving staircase. This really was not his day.

Eventually Arthur managed to lose his stalker suits of armour and collapsed in front of a large portrait of a banqueting hall just like that of Camelot. The people within the portrait seemed to be extremely drunk and were laughing loudly. And then suddenly an annoyingly loud and yet familiar voice said,

"Now I know I'm drunk. I'm seeing double!" Arthur turned to come face to face with none other than the one and only Sir Gwaine. He groaned. Great. His day had gone from bad to worse to just plain disastrous.

"Why are you here Gwaine? And what have we said about drinking in foreign places!" Arthur said, exasperated. Gwaine however just laughed.

"Hey, we've got the Princess back!"

"Who?" asked a voice from behind him. Arthur turned to see a teenage boy with messy black hair a deep green eyes and a lightning bolt on his forehead. He looked thoroughly confused, not only by Arthur but the painting as well. "I thought the Fat Lady was meant to be here?"

"Eh… Who are we talking about?" Gwaine asked, scratching his head and swaying like a drunken man. Arthur recognised Sir Leon, Sir Percival and Sir Elyan all sitting in a cluster and doing a sing along. Sir Lancelot sat next to a rather tipsy looking blonde man whom Arthur didn't recognise and Merlin (thankfully) was nowhere to be seen. Well, at least that was what Arthur thought was the case.

"The fat lady's portrait was moved to make way for ours because we were much more useful. Charm on the painting stops anyone who doesn't know the password from getting in including the Old Religion magic. Very useful," said a voice from the next painting over. Both Arthur and the boy turned to face it and there, standing in the middle of the field was Merlin. He was dressed regally in the dark blue robes of a Court Sorcerer although Arthur had probably dressed hi that was as a joke.

"If your part of that painting why are you in Sir Cadogan's?" the boy asked. Merlin's face turned sour.

"Because they're being too loud and it's giving me a headache," he said. The tipsy blonde knight suddenly joined Gwaine Elyan and Percival in song as they sang to Merlin.

_Oh, come one Merlin_

_Stop being so shy_

_All we want is a good drink of beer_

_And maybe even a little wine_

_We can make up a password all day long_

_Whilst saving Camelot every night_

_Because we're the knights of Camelot_

_Oh the knights of Camelot_

Needless to say, it wasn't very good. Both Arthur and merlin looked a little disturbed by this. The boy however looked surprised.

"Wait, you're Merlin?" he asked. "As in the Merlin?" merlin sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Yes. I've been asked that so many times today that it's getting old," merlin said as the knight started up a new song.

_Beer is sweet_

_Wine is better_

_Come sweet alcohol_

_Feed us knights_

_And give us sweet dreamy dreams_

"Will you just be quiet!" Arthur shouted at them. Gwaine laughed deliriously.

"Course Princess! Cracker for the Princess? Polly want a cracker?" Gwaine slurred laughing deliriously again. Arthur stared at him a moment before the blonde knight suddenly jumped Gwaine.

"I said never call me that!" he screamed, throwing himself on top of Gwaine. Merlin scowl deepened as he yelled,

"He wasn't talking to you Prat! Look to your left!" the blonde man looked to his right into the painting. Merlin rolled his eyes. "Your other left." The blonde man turned to face Arthur and they both screamed (well the portrait version of him screamed. Arthur just yelled manlily while Merlin rolled around on the grass dying of laughter). The drunken blonde knight in the painting was him. He was the knight with the lopsided crown and drunken expression on his face.

"Now that is what I call evening entertainment!" merlin cried when he was vaguely able to speak. The boy just looked even more confused.

2Who are you and why are you screaming like a girl at the painting?" he asked.

"I was not screaming like girl and my name is Prince Arthur Pendragon of Camelot," Arthur said.

"Oh no," groaned Elyan suddenly.

"Dear lord have mercy," Leon said.

Painting Arthur made a very intelligent "Whaaa…?" sound. Gwaine rolled his eyes and Merlin said,

"Great. Return of the Prat and it was hard enough to deal with the first time around." Painting Arthur whipped around (his crown was now hanging from his left ear) and glared at Merlin.

"Who are you calling a prat?" he growled before stalking into the painting that merlin now occupied and dragged him back into their own (Arthur was shocked to find that Merlin was still taller than him in this huge painting of the future. Could the manservant get nothing right?).

"Let go of me!" Merlin yelled as another round of songs started up.

_We've got Merlin back from the dead_

_We're not staring at a wall anymore_

_Come join us for a pint or two_

_We're sure you'll be able to hold it down_

_We don't care what magic will do_

_We don't have to stare at Uther anymore_

_Or listen to his annoying rants_

_So come on, drink up_

_Or we'll make you drink it the hard way_

With this, a painting Arthur forced a tankard into Merlin's hand and glared at him. Merlin took a tentative sip then choked as painting Arthur tipped the tankard up, forcing more liquid into his mouth. As Merlin coughed and spluttered Arthur turned to the boy and said

"You'd better take me to the headmaster. And take my sword off me before I murder you." Arthur registered in his state of shock that it was the most coherent thing that the painting had said the whole time. He then realised what the painting had said and reached for his sword only to find that it wasn't there. He whirled around about to stalk after the boy who now had his sword in his hands when a distinctly feminine voice said,

"Harry? Why do you have a sword?" Arthur turned to face down the stairs and saw a girl with bushy brown hair and a boy with bright red hair standing behind the first boy (whom it seemed was named Harry).

"Trying to get this person to Dumbledore," harry said. "And be warned. I don't think we're getting into the Gryffindor Common Room anytime soon." The girl glanced at him then to the painting. The red head had already done the same.

"Bloody hell!" the red head said suddenly, "Is he meant to be doing that?" Arthur turned to see himself force feeding Merlin tankard after tankard of mead, Merlin getting tipsier by the second. There were already four tankards on the side, a fourth one held in place by Arthur's (surprisingly) strong grip while Merlin choked and struggled, although these were becoming less already.

"Err… no," harry said. "I think we should tell Dumbledore that as well."

"Come on," the girl said, smiling reassuringly at Arthur. He let her lead him away from the chaos that was the painting on the wall and let the girl lead him down the corridors of the castle. "I'm Hermione," the girl said as they walked, "That's Harry and the red head's Ron." Arthur nodded but didn't respond. Harry sighed and said over his shoulder.

"Apparently he's Prince Arthur Pendragon of Camelot." Harry said this with a posh voice, heavily sarcastic. Ron raised an eyebrow and Hermione stared at him for a moment, her eyes shining.

"Are you really? Do you know Merlin?" Hermione asked, her eyes alight with curiosity. Harry snorted. "What?"

"Sorry," harry said, "It's just that the blonde guy force feeding the raven haired guy in the painting was him when he's king and the raven haired one's Merlin." Hermione gaped like a fish.

"But he was trying to drown him!" Ron argued. Harry rolled his eyes.

"They're all drunk." Ron stared at him, doing the same fish impression Hermione was. Arthur wondered if they both were actually part fish.

They all eventually stopped by a pair of gargoyles. Arthur stared at them uneasily the memory of Cornelius Sigan suddenly springing to mind. For a moment Arthur wondered if they were all mad but then one of the gargoyles moved.

"Password?" it said in a bored tone. Harry's cheeks turned faintly red as he said,

"Gum drops." The gargoyles sprang apart and Arthur umped backwards. They were magic. They had to be. Neither Harry Ron nor Hermione seemed in the least bit surprised by this and were already climbing the stairs behind the gargoyles. Ron turned back and rolled his eyes.

"Are you coming or not?" he snapped in a grumpy voice. Arthur stared at him for a moment before walking up the stairs cautiously, aware that anything could spring out at him. He wondered if the owner of the castle lived up here. He might just have to kill him after he had told him how to get home.

At the top of the stairs was a door which Harry knocked on. _I wish Merlin would do that_ Arthur thought wistfully, thinking of how just that morning Merlin had walked in, banging and crashing as usual. Then again it had been a little subdued due to the fact that he had been ill. Stupid viruses.

Someone on the other side of the door called "Enter!" and Harry pushed the door open. Behind it was a study, not unlike Arthur's bedroom minus the bed. The walls were lined with bookcases and on one shelf there was a sword (why it was on a shelf and not being used Arthur didn't know. It was sharp enough to be used if a little fancy) and a withered hat (Arthur stayed well away from that. It was most definitely snoring). There was a desk in the centre of the room cluttered with all sorts of things. Sitting behind the desk was an extremely old man dressed in midnight blue robes. If Arthur had to say anything he would say that he looked like Dragoon, except this man wore a hat and didn't wander around trying to kill people.

Arthur yelped as something suddenly flew down and perched on his shoulder. The old man smiled as the thing crooned in his ear. Arthur turned his head a fraction and saw that it was a beautiful bird, with feathers the colours of fire. There were reds, oranges, golds and yellows. It crooned sweetly in his ear, its head bowed in an almost regal position. It was quite possibly the most beautiful creature that Arthur had ever seen and it was sitting on his shoulder.

"It seems Fawkes has taken to our visitor," the old man said, his blue eyes sparkling. He had a nice voice for a sorcerer Arthur thought mildly. Dragoon's was hoarse and croaky as if he spent most of his days shouting at people. "Perhaps you three would like to tell me why." Arthur noticed that the three in front of him squirmed slightly.

"We weren't doing anything Professor," the girl, Hermione squeaked. "We didn't have time to."

"I just sort of found him outside the Gryffindor Common Room," Harry said. He looked uncomfortable but seemed to find the courage to say, "And the painting's changed." The Professor smiled.

"Ah yes, our latest discovery. I thought it was a fine addition to the Gryffindor theme," he said clapping his hands together. The three looked at each before Hermione stated speaking again.

"Actually professor Dumbledore, we came because he claims to be King Arthur. Or at least, prince Arthur," she amended quickly as Arthur stared at her. Dumbledore raised an eyebrow.

"So I take it that you know the people in the painting then?" he asked. Arthur frowned at him.

"Yes," he said. "And you might want to keep an eye on Gwaine. I think he's started a betting pool somewhere in that tapestry." Dumbledore merely smiled.

"I see. And how did you get here?" Arthur wondered if this man had an ulterior motive. He was clearly in charge of the school and was also clearly a magic user. He couldn't be trusted but Arthur decided to tell him anyway. This day really couldn't get much worse.

"I got attacked by a sorcerer and woke up here. Well, actually I ended up swimming in your lake," Arthur said. "Now tell me how to get back to Camelot!" Dumbledore raised an eyebrow and sat at him desk for a moment.

"It seems to me that there is a misunderstanding here. This sorcerer has managed to send you far from home in both time and distance. You see this is a thousand years in your future." Arthur gaped at the man as he said this and interrupted him.

"Then how am I meant to get home? I can't live here forever!" Arthur shouted. Dumbledore raised a hand.

"I was not quite finished yet. I unfortunately do not have the knowledge to send you back but there is someone in this castle who does." Harry, Ron and Hermione frowned.

"Who?" They all asked in unison. Arthur wondered if they had practised that since they didn't seem very surprised.

"I do believe that you have already met him," Dumbledore said a twinkle in his eyes. Arthur wondered if the man's eyes did ever stop twinkling. It was starting to freak him out and Arthur did not do freaking out. Or hugs. Or surprise. Or anything but fighting really (which was why merlin was very handy at writing speeches). Harry seemed to catch on quicker than the others.

"Merlin?" he said. Arthur chocked.

"Merlin!" Dumbledore raised an eyebrow at this but Ron cut in before he could say anything.

"Um, I don't know about the rest of you but he looked a bit um, young. That and the fact that the Arthur in the painting was trying to drown him in beer." Dumbledore suddenly stood up straight.

"They are doing what?"

"Gwaine also started a drinking competition," Arthur explained, knowing that that was exactly what Gwaine had done. He had managed to get Arthur drunk on several occasions, sometimes even on quests. They all stared at him.

"That information would have been helpful about two hours ago!" Harry snapped.

"I didn't think it was important," Arthur said.

"Well how are we going to get into the Gryffindor dormitories?" Harry shouted.

"Merlin knows it." Ron stared at him.

"I don't know about you mate but your figure in the painting looked pretty determined to drown him." Dumbledore sighed and cut in before the argument could go any further.

"Shall we just go back to the painting and evaluate how far it's all gone?"

* * *

Evaluating turned out to be shutting up Gwaine. By the time they got back the banquet had turned into a colossal food fight, Gwaine shouting random (and sometimes dirty) things that came into his head. Merlin was back in the other painting, staggering slightly and looking a bit cross eyed. Arthur noticed that he himself was fighting Percival (and winning). Dumbledore didn't look impressed.

"What is going on?" he asked the people in the painting once things had settled down a little. Painting Arthur (who had thankfully lost the crown) managed to give a slightly slurred answer.

"Well, we were celebrating the fact that we were finally out of the dungeons and Gwaine started a betting pool in the corner of how many drinks each knight could take. Then he started having drinking matches with anyone he could find and after that… I'm not quite sure. I think Leon started the food fight and everyone just joined in." Leon looked slightly indignant but also a little guilty as if he were aware of the fact that he had stared this chaos. Gwaine had just passed out on the floor.

"Well at least you stooped trying to drown Merlin," harry said. Painting Arthur raised an eyebrow, a smirk making its way onto his face.

"Oh, that wasn't attempting to drown. I'd have to stick his face in a river to do that. That was trying to make him have a good time."

"And the next time you try that I'm setting fire to you underwear. See how you like that," Merlin said, from the next painting over. He was leaning heavily on a staff that looked a little like dragoon's.

"I'd like to see you try," Painting Arthur challenged. Merlin's eyes flashed gold and Gwaine suddenly came back to life.

"The Princess's trousers are on fire!" there was a sudden commotion as several knights tried to help their king in a drunken stupor. Arthur wanted to bang his head against a wall and Dumbledore looked close to doing the same. He turned to Merlin instead.

"Would you be able to help us send your friend back home?" he asked him. Merlin eyed Arthur carefully before nodding and then grimaced.

"Yeah I can, but you'll have to do the spell. This alcohol is messing with my head." Arthur suddenly realised that the reason his painting's trousers were on fire was because merlin had done magic. Magic.

"You're a sorcerer!" He shouted. Merlin rolled his eyes.

"You have no idea how many times I've heard that one." He then proceeded to ignore Arthur and taught Dumbledore the spell to send him home. Arthur couldn't believe it. Even in the future his day was horrible and everyone was now ignoring him (Ron was cheering on Gwaine who had started a wrestling match with painting Arthur while Harry was cheering on Arthur. Hermione just sighed before joining Harry.)

* * *

"Good morning Sire!" said an annoying and yet welcome voice, Arthur groaned, raising his head out of the covers a moment to see merlin finally back from being ill. He wondered if he should tell Merlin about his little trip to the future.

"You know Merlin; I think you've been missing mucking out the stables…" Arthur grinned. Everything was back to normal.

* * *

**Please review. Thanks! :)**


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